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TA TALKS BACK: CONFESSIONS OF A CLOSET TWILIGHTER

Posted September 17th, 2009 By: Team Switzerland 18 Comments »

Today, TA Staffer Eirelav writes in a great article about her love for the Twilight Saga and gives us a look inside the confessions of a closet Twilighter.

 

Confessions of a Closet Twilighter By: Eirelav

Today, Thursday, September 17, 2009, I celebrate my one-year anniversary as a member on Twilighters Anonymous. My experiences here have been overwhelmingly wonderful, and yet, I haven’t shared very many of them with my family and friends. Why? Simply because they don’t know just how far my obsession has gone.

There are four people I know in real life that know I am a moderator on TA. Three of those people know that I write fan fiction. Only two of those people have read my writing. Why is that? Why haven’t I come out of the Twilight closet? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m hoping to learn that through the writing of this article.

My love of The Twilight Saga began the same way as many others’: through reading the books. I started reading the books about a week before Breaking Dawn came out, so it was available by the time I was ready for it. I lost count as to the number of times I read all of them in that first month. All I did in my spare time was read. One of the books was constantly with me. I had one in the car, hoping to be stuck in a traffic jam, one always came to work with me, and I would carry one around the house with me from room to room.

Eventually, the books weren’t enough and I had to branch out into other things. I went online and began searching for anything and everything Twilight I could find. Website after website, I searched for news about Stephenie Meyer, her writing, the movie. I was on a different website when I found the link to TA. When I saw the name, I knew this was the place for me. Twilighters Anonymous. It called to me, begged me to check it out. The realization hit me that I could explore my addiction, because I knew that I was addicted, without anyone else finding out. It became my dirty little secret.

Being anonymous in this online world can be incredibly freeing. Painfully shy in real life, I don’t have to be that way on TA. I can have conversations with complete strangers and not worry about what they’ll think of me. I can be myself, just amped up a little … okay, maybe amped up a lot. So many online friends have come into my life through my obsession and TA. As much as I want to meet them in person, I have to wonder which version of myself they would be meeting.

I haven’t exactly hidden my addiction. My books, books on cd, and various magazines are proudly displayed on a bookshelf at home. At work, the wallpaper on my computer is the New Moon poster. There’s even an Edward poster in the closet. I call it the Edward closet. If anyone comes in looking for a pack of paper: it’s in the Edward closet. Need a first aid kit? Check the Edward closet.

My coworkers do know that I’m obsessed; they just don’t know how obsessed I am. They don’t know that the reason I’m up until two or three in the morning night after night is because I’m either reading or writing Twilight fan fiction. They don’t know that I sneak on TA at any free moment I have, and if I don’t I get twitchy.

Some family members and friends have been asking me why I don’t have a Facebook account. My response is always that I don’t have the time the deal with it, which is true. But, it’s not the real reason. The real reason is if I were to have one, I would have to join the two worlds: my real world and my Twilight world.

So, now I’m wondering what I’m so afraid of. Why is it that I haven’t come out yet? Why can’t I join my real life and my Twilight life together?

Part of that is because I like the anonymity. I like being able to say and do things that the people I see on a day-to-day basis won’t hear about. I like knowing that I won’t be talking to a cousin on the phone and have them say, “I saw what you posted on TA last night about …” There are so many real life “issues” that I can escape from by coming to TA. I can just forget about them for a little while. If I combine those two worlds, will I still be able to use TA as an escape? I just don’t know.

If I do decide to come out of the Twilight closet, how does one go about doing that? Should I walk up to the random stranger on the street and announce, “I’m a Twilighter and I’m proud!” Take out an ad in the newspaper? Send out a mailer to all of my family and friends?

I’m certain I’m not the only closet Twilighter here at TA. If you’re one, too: why? Do you hope to stay in the Twilight closet? If you used to be one but have since escaped from the closet, how did you do it? Are you happy that you did?

I’d love to hear from you! Talk back to us TA!







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  • Chris

    Wow – damn. I saw myself in what you wrote. You did a really good job of saying things that I keep to myself – except for when I’m here. Wow – still though, I want to stay in the closet because it’s safe and protected. Sometimes if you let something you deem sacred be known it is ridiculed so I prefer the closet. =)

  • Erenn

    Hi Val! And I’m right there with you! I get very twitchy at work, and unfortunately I don’t have the freedom to have posters up (even in the closet) because we work closely with military personnel. Apparently they like the white walls and no windows to speak of, except for our plate glass front door! And they monitor our internet usage too, so I’m not able to spend more than a few minutes at a time on TA or any other blogsite. My friends know that I’m addicted too, but I don’t think they realize that every time I hear something “Twilight” related my heart starts racing and I get giddy, wanting to know every detail. Even when on here, I usually try to keep it under wraps, but reading everyone else’s addictions and twilight-lust I don’t feel so bad. :)

    Thank you for the share! :) You’re definitely not alone!

  • Fizz

    I have had to let my friends in a lil bc I just couldn’t hold Twilight in. I knew some of them might actually like it and to my surprise some of them were fans themselves… but not like me. I discovered Twilight while on maternity leave and on returning to work I whispered to some friends “I’ve been Twilighting.” A few sheepishly replied they liked the movie or had read the books but my excitement waned as I made comments about SM’s site or some rare Twi-fact and was looked at with confusion. How could anyone have read this stuff and NOT been totally absorbed as I had. I have a a couple of friends I plan on seeing NM with but I’m almost scared that I will be in Twi-heaven and my happy bubble will pop when I look over and don’t see matched expressions. I do get picked on bc of my obsession but like you no one, not even my husband, REALLY knows. He just rolls his eyes…”You’re reading it again!?!”

  • Esme Isle

    This very clearly describes many of my own feelings. I wouldn’t say I’m in the Twilight closet, but I’m definitely in a Twilight shadow. People know I’m a big fan, read the books, stay in the “know”, read all the gossip mags about our favorite stars. I work at Sephora and we just received “Twilgight Lip Plumper” – SUPER EXCITED! I volunteered to sell through them in a week. BUT, they don’t know about TA, they would think I’ve crossed the edge. I figure people will judge me by thinking I’m adolocent(meanwhile I’m a mother and I’m 25). When I meet someone who shares my passion for all things Twilight I am so excited to talk to them for it isn’t very often that this happens. If ever possible I look for examples of other “adults” who are Twiglight fans to show my ever speculative boyfriend. It’s hard having addicitons, but I think it’s harmless as long as don’t stalk the stars. We’re a happy group of vamp obsessed dreamers. In the words of Edward Cullen “no blood, no fowl”.

  • LJ Summers

    Well, Val, you know I am SO with you, much more in the closet than you are, too. I have told two friends of mine that I write fanfic and they’ve been supportive.

    Oh, I also have a Facebook account and none of the people I know on FB know I do this. I don’t know what degree of anonymity you hold here, cough, but perhaps it would be conceivable to have a Facebook presence without coming out of the closet.

    Of course, I say that with a wince. Since I got involved in the Twilightverse, I haven’t spent too much time anywhere else…

  • Mimi

    Hey Val!

    I am so with you. I really felt like I was reading about myself minus a few little things. :P I’m the quiet and shy girl but here I can unleash my Twilight love to my heart’s content. I’ve also got friends that know I love Twilight but I’m not sure how to tell that I even write fanfiction, not that I’m ashamed of it. I guess it is that anonymity. Anyway . . . thanks for the share. We’re with you. :D

  • kariZ

    What you wrote gave me goosebumps…I felt like you were writing on my behalf, specifically paragraphs 3, 4 and 6. My coworkers, however, do not know about my obsession, and will never know for that matter — we work on serious stuff..saving lives and finding ways to save lives – they would never understand….

    My books and audiocds are also proudly displayed – except they are not within reach – they are displayed on the highest shelf in our library wall…I really don’t want anyone else touching ‘my precious’.

    This so me–> “When I saw the name, I knew this was the place for me. Twilighters Anonymous. It called to me, begged me to check it out. The realization hit me that I could explore my addiction, because I knew that I was addicted, without anyone else finding out. It became my dirty little secret.”

  • nessaa (:

    Hey Val!, this relates to so many people and i am also one of them. I think you did a great job in writing this, i can relate very well to what you’ve written here. Even my closest friends except my family know that I’m apart of a forum or read fan fiction. I prefer to have this as my family and I’s little secret but although many people may argue to come out and proud lol!, i still like to keep this slice of heaven to myself:)

  • Bells. Just Bells.

    Hey Val, well I’m not much in the closet because it just keeps leaking out! I have a hard time keeping it in. However, like you my co-workers know I’m obsessed, but they definitely don’t know the extent. I get all crazy too when I can’t get on TA. Seriously its enough to send me into an anxiety attack. My very best friend is also a TAer so she knows fully how “crazy” I am. There have been other people I’ve told about TA and how much I love it, but I don’t think they truly grasp how obsessed I am! So for me, I don’t think it is so much a conscious choice to stay in or come out of that closet. I don’t go around proclaiming to everyone, but I definitely don’t hold back just because I don’t want to be exposed. Does that make sense? lol
    My friend and I started saying we had cracks in our crazy dam – when we first really started letting people see how obsessed we were. My hubby now tells me there is no dam and the people in the village are doomed and we should just give up trying to “fix” any cracks. That is actually just fine with me. I don’t want to fix my addiction :)

  • angela

    Ditto, ditto and ditto again! I picked up on Twilight from my teenage daughter and have become the uber fan, moreso than she. I have lost count of how many times I read the series as well, and have written, but not submitted, a couple of fanfics. I have a facebook, but don’t have much time for it. I check TA daily and explore every title and headline…holy baloney I’m an addict! Sounds like I am in good company!

  • Dean

    You have just described myself perfectly. I can’t believe that there are others out there that feel the way I do. I try to open up to friends at work but I usually get this funny little look like ‘Have you lost your mind’ and so I shut down. My family is constantly asking why I continue to read the books over and over so I have converted to sneeking around to read when I am alone. Staying up late has become a new lifestyle for me also. I am new to this website so I haven’t developed any online friendships to cofide in…yet. But, I am now thankful to know that there is a place to go to release our thoughts and feelings. However, I will continue to stay in the closet as best as I can.

  • Nicole

    I so thought I was the only one with an Edward closet. Well, that’s a bit of an understatement. We have a spare room in my house that door remains closed at all times. Its my “retreat room” as my family would say. Its off limits to everyone in the house but me. I call it my Twilight room. I have been a closet Twilighter for a little under a year now. I had my first Twililght experience when the DVD first came out. Literally everyone in the store had a copy and then two ladies were talking about it while standing in line. So I bought a copy. I watched and when it was over I high tailed it back to the store and purchased all the books. I think little by little I am creeping out of the closet. Only one of my friends know how obsessed I am. There is freedom in confession. My birthday is coming soon I will celebrate with friends and family…the theme…Twilight…then they will all know.

  • Kathye

    Sometimes you think that people will look at you strange when they realize how obsessed you are with Twilight. My husband just laughs when I talk to him about it and I have a big smile on my face. I even got him to go with me to see Twilight, I know he wanted to say that he didn’t like it, but he did (except for the special effects – guy thing), he is liking what he is seeing in the trailer for new moon though. What is really funny is that my daughter and I were going to see if he could watch the grandbaby so we could go to the midnight showing of New Moon, but he said he wanted to go too. Guess I’m rubbing off on him. lol

    The Twilight Saga has been my escape. I have several debilitating diseases (RA for one) and at times I need to get away from reality. Twilight does that for me. When there are days that I am hurting so bad, I escape into the world of Edward, Bella and Jacob, and forget about everyting else.

    Now how obsessed am I you ask? Well, I have the books, audio CD, and they are loaded on my computer and iPod. I have the movie, I have the background of my computer with the New Moon poster. My screne saver is all the pictures I can find that are Twilight related. I have TA as my home page so I can check on the newest updates first thing. I read the fan fiction – Really am enjoying “The Wedding” I have watched the new moon trailers too many times to count. I am following all of the stars of Twilight on my Twitter. So I find out what they are filming day to day.

    The fact that I enjoy Twilight has given me a connection to the young women/teens that I know and gives us something in common to talk about. I introduced the Twilight Series to my daughter, and numerous friends. I can’t tell you how many times we have watched the movie together. My daughter is even reading it to her daughter. I think she needs to know about Antie Bella and Uncle Edward. lol

    So don’t be afraid to let people know that you like Twilight, you just might not let them know about how much you are obsessed with it. ;)

  • Elise B.

    is it surprising to any one at this point that i agree completly with bells? lol. i am not so much in the closet, as i am in a gray area. i dont run up and down the aisles at work doing cartwheels while announcing i am an ‘obsessed’ addict on TA, but if anyone approaches me in my cube i do not hesitate to tell them all about it and about how awesome all my girls are on here. its blurry for me i suppose, but i am like you val, i get a bit twitchy if i cant get on to get my daily dose. though personally when it comes to TA i take no measures to protect my anonymity, i am more than willing to come and help you out in person if you are close enough, lol i guess twilight is just such a big part of me now that its a package deal, lol ask anyone who knows me in real life, i am how i am, no secrets! lol! hugs val! awesome article! very well done honey!!

  • Chelle

    I can’t say I’m in the closet but like most everyone on here, people know I’m obsessed, they just don’t know HOW obsessed. Mostly my co-workers don’t know the extent of it, I’m not even sure my closest friends do, actually. A friend of mine a few weeks ago handed me a Twilight Edward candy. I said “oh wow thank you! Haven’t tried these yet” and she looked at me asking “you mean you know these exist?” Um, hello??? So these are the kinds of things that usually happen to me. Twilight has become my “normal” world these days that sometimes when I say no-brainer things (i.e. Oh yeah Kristen’s hair in Eclipse is looking kind of off to me) out loud to a co-worker, she looks at me and asks what do I mean? Like how do I know her wig looks weird? I forget that not everyone knows what’s going on the Twilight world. And then they have a surprised look on their face that I know little things like that. And I’ve never told them I’ve read the series more than once. And that I have at least 2 copies of each book plus the audio books too.

    As for Facebook, I’m an active member and you bet when something big happens, like a trailer released, it will be on my page! Actually half the posts on there are about Twilight related stuff! And it actually helps some friends keep updated who don’t get to do the fansite thing as much as I do =)

    But I do understand why people would want total anonymity, there’s just too much eye rolling going on when we go off about Twilight, easier not to deal with it. Here we can squeal our hearts out and everyone will be squealing along with us, which I really find comforting.

  • Becky

    Hi Val! As you can see many of us do understand! We all have lives that whether we like it or not, we have to deal with outside of our beloved Twi-World… I do sneek Twi time at work, my phone has internet, and I follow TA on twitter, sent to my phone! Be assured many of us (whilke others know we are a bit obsessed with all that is Twilight, they really don’t know how far we have gotten into that obsession. I have a friend whose Grand daughter thinks I must have the neatest husband in the world because he’s ok with me having Twilight posters in our bedroom! Hope you can feel the love and sister/brotherhood that we all have her in the world of Twilight! Even if others can’t understand….

  • Eirelav

    WOW! Thank you all so much for sharing!It’s great to know that I’m not alone. This Twilight closet must be pretty big. I’ve loved reading all of your comments!

    And Bells, “cracks in our crazy dam” had me LMAO! You are just too funny, and it sounds like your hubby is, too!

  • http://facebook.com/kimberlyjenkins Kim

    Oh I love it!! I love your obsession and I love how you wrote about it. I too was quite in the closet until I could no longer stand it. I actually said outloud and in writing, “My name is Kim and I am a Twilight-a-holic”

    Life is short….enjoy what you love and forget the opinions of others. Quite frankly, I think most people are jealous that they don’t have something that gives them that passionate feeling. My obsession feels good, brings me joy and draws other fabulous people into my world that share the same obsession. Come friend me on FB when you get an account…I’ll love you unconditionally. :)

 

 

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